White Tulip

after a crazy weekend of working, cleaning and training for both of us... we sat down for a quiet night of fringe on tv although we had completed two whole seasons of the series... looking up the white tulip episode, it seemed that this was what moved most people...

(S02E18) "Until I took my son from the other side, I had never believed in God. But it occurred to me that my actions had betrayed Him, and that everything that happened to me since then was God punishing me. So now I'm looking for a sign of forgiveness, a specific one, a white tulip ... If God can forgive me for my acts, maybe it's in the realm of possibility that my son will be able to forgive me." - Walter Bishop to Alistair Peck

not to disagree, but there was another side of the episode that was engrained into our mind... more of his than mine, i supposed... having gone through almost similar situation, i guessed it made more sense to him than to me...

At first, it seems that Alistair's intention was to get in that car with his fiancé so they could live together. He already knew what life was like without her, and he didn't like it or want it. But perhaps Walter's heartfelt advice made Alistair reconsider saving her. At that point, I think he just wanted to die with her.

the alistair apparently in the series found a way to time travel... back and forth through time, but never quite far back enough to the time before the death of his fiancé... cutting the story short, he made it back at the end of the one hour slot... contended just to give his fiancé a kiss, reminding that he loves her and die with her... but not without the sacrifices he made for more than a decade... not without the pain her death inflicted on him... and definitely not without regret of losing her...

out of a sudden, in the middle of the episode, AL asked if i'd make the same sacrifice for him... i was caught speechless... i know i should have said yes immediately... but i couldnt help hesitating... not cos i didnt love him enough... but to choose between him and a phobia of mine... i was in a real dilemma... you see, what i missed mentioning in alistair's sacrifices was that he put himself through a lot of physical pain and physically mutilating himself just to back in time for his fiancé... and pain is as much a fear and phobia of mine to his arachnophobia...

but white tulip was not without any meaningful takeaways...

i recently saw how much pain he was in when i walked away a decade ago... i know for a fact that i didnt and dont wanna see him suffer for me anymore... i can only hope that, should that day ever come again, he will be strong enough to be stay alive and stay happy for me... most of what i gave up now, was just to see him smile... to see him happy again... i sure hope none of it will be futile...

stay smiling for me, hon???