I Will Find My Own Way~

there are those times when the gate to my emotional flood just collapsed, unable to withstand the brute force of reminder of past histories... it is during those times, that i needed a helping hand to hold me up... to just let me know, those are things that will not repeat itself...

i would love to patch that rotten section of the heart and close the wound... unfortunately, some of these wounds, knifed repeatedly over the years, seemed to take a very long time to heal... unlike most people, i take a need to really walk it through with the whole truth... i needed to see the actual painting of the whole picture... half-truths, unfortunately, works only as a temporary restrainer to the flood of tears and pain... really talking things through didnt mean i am accusing... or that i wasnt providing forgiveness... it is just my way of getting a closure and letting it go...

over the years, with some advice, i slowly opened up peeling layer after layer of the fortress... learning not to bottle up my feelings... after trying so hard to do so, i recently learned opening myself serves only to further aggravate the wound... it only serves as a painful reminder why i refuse to put myself on the table, opening up more possibilities to be hurt...

this i hope, will be the last time i'm penning it down... to be openly read, probed and dissected... with what i can see will end up with more misunderstandings and more painful exchanges... before he came along, there had been plenty of lies and cheatings... those few that was confessed to me, i could handle... it had since been long forgotten... unfortunately for me, a majority of it was stumbled upon... now, these are the ones that cut straight into my heart... leaving it bleeding even now... a decade old wound, and it still cuts so deeply... i thought of all the people, he should be the one who would understand the most... i knew for a fact that, he stumbled upon my lie that very decade ago...

yet, he was also the same one who did the same when we were trying to piece everything together... what i couldnt comprehend was why i was made to feel so horrible, thinking that what i did was beyond forgiveness... with the harsh consequences, i still came clean letting him decide my fate... and then, slowly as time ticks by... i had to stumble upon his lies and cover ups one after another... although the cover ups, as he called it, was couple of years ago... what hurt the most was his inability to come clean, instead of letting me find out by myself... and the half-truths of what was told to me, so that what was hidden will remain hidden from me... wasnt he also the one who specifically said no more lies and secrets???

yada yada yada, i know some would tell me, that was history... as long as he's not doing it now, i should concentrate on the present... but you know what??? this is the exact same thing that has been repeated in my life... so, dont tell me i should be afraid of it...

sometimes i wish i could talk to him over this... but i know it'd just end up badly... so, as promised... i will find my own way to deal with this... i know i can do this without any help... i've done it before, and i will have it done again!!!