Bitter Sweet Memories

he had always given me the impression that he moved on easily and fast... looking back at his past track records, it was pretty believable... who would have thought that a next to nothing girl like me will imprint his life... i definitely didnt expect i could pull such a stunt...

a month after our break up almost 10 years ago, he called me boasting about his new found girlfriend and of her great qualities... initially, i was relieved that he had gone ahead with his life... that at least i could leave the guilt behind for lying and hurting him... he started calling more often, usually late at night when my parents were already asleep... it was only then that i could sneak out and hang longer on the phone... as the calls increased, i got more uncomfortable talking to him... the words he used, confused me... as though he loved his then girlfriend and yet couldnt let go of me at the same time... i brushed it off, probably i'd assumed too much... but occasionally, more often than not, i felt a tinge of jealousy... especially when the boasting of the new girl increased...

even when i was seeing someone else 6 months after the break up, i still felt the teeny bit of jealousy when he started talking of the new girl... we still chatted intermittently, though it was getting lesser as time ticked off... up until we kinda stopped for a period of time...

i was experimenting on new relationships after that... curious, excitement or perhaps just a part of me that liked it, i really couldnt answer that... but i took a turn in my life and leaped without any consideration... and without any concerns of consequences or how it would affect the people around me... the beginning of the first relationship was, i'd say, purely fun and excitement... simply state, i started off just to fool around... then, my sense of responsibility kicked in and i was stuck on this for 4 years with plenty of suicide threats... then the whole relationship shifted and became pretty creepy and scary... i couldnt pinpoint the exact reason of the creepiness... but it came to a point that i panicked and desperately wanting a way out... the first attempt didnt work out...

i broke it off, jumping on the first opportunity to another dump for a guy... a week into it and i was bluntly thrown into the ocean of truth that this guy was already taken and impregnated his girlfriend... as i became single again, the first relationship tried to patch back... i was adamant not to make that happen... with all the arguments at that time, there were more threats of suicides and that got me stuck again... some friends tried helping to get me out, some tried to stop that from happening... ding dong-ing for some time later (minus a lot of really bad situations and memories), i got myself out... only to realize that over the course of 4 years, there had been a lot of really bad untrue rumors and gossips on me started by this idiotic partner... up to the extent that i was uninvited from my own high school without an opportunity to defend myself... worst part was i had to pay my way out of this relationship... and it wasnt even a cheap payment out...

stupidly, unable to learn from my own mistake... i took the same turn in my life and found myself opt to fool around again, instead of looking for a steady relationship... this time, fortunately, it was less bitter... leveraging on this, i took it as an excuse to get out of penang and away from the rumors and gossips back at home...

just before i came down to kl, i had one last phone call with AL... coming out of the closet, i told him everything hoping that there would be at least one person i could lean on... worst mistake ever... with my first attempt in trusting him, i got yelled at even worse than our break up previously... knowing there was nowhere to turn at that point of time, i decided to cut the friendship off...

with that, i continued my life for another 5 years getting stuck with another relationship... less than a year into it, i was already thinking of getting out of it... unfortunately, i chickened out from doing so worrying how i'd survive alone in kl... i was still studying then...

upon graduation, i started working... life had been great all these while, thinking that i'd leave behind all my histories back where it was... the only thing i would have to worry then was how to unstuck my sticky situation and relationship... while all this happened, i found myself emailed AL again... we kicked it off pretty well until the topic of my current relationship surfaced... and yet again, we started arguing again... it felt like both of us couldnt let go of each other... both wanted a say in our lives but couldnt... unable to take the hurt, i ended our friendship once more...

two years later on, i landed on a very painful but opportunity to end the 5 year relationship... i chanced upon my partner cheating on me with another girl that i knew... lies after lies, i fell down so low... so bad in shape to the point i actually held a knife to myself with clouded thoughts... i hindered my own healing, torturing myself thinking that i was unwanted and useless...

although that relationship wasnt as bitter as the other two, this took the longest for me to heal... i was tearing myself apart with my own poisonous thoughts... history repeated itself... i found myself going out with another taken guy... this time, i chose to go out and had that fling... and this time, i knew upfront that this fling had already have a girlfriend somewhere out there... sadly, i chose to poison myself further with that decision...

as bad as it seemed, there were friends who went all out to gather my life back for me... for this, i really want to thank them for their support and patience in holding me up... and by just plain being there for me... especially you, julz... for every fall i took the past decade, you had always been there offering your helping hand...