In Loving Memory of The Great Lady

i'd been visiting publika a lot ever since my cousin worked there... it was the usual... we were sitting in fat boy's burger bar chilling, having lunch the other at the speed of art event... chatting, joking around... bitching about work... when we started talking about family members and grandma... sure, we both missed her... we both had our regrets about gramps... i supposed we can empathize each other though we couldnt relate and said that was me in your shoes sorta way, as we reminisced about the past...

memories of gramps had been getting pretty vague as time goes by... i used to remember the details of every thoughts and feelings of my interactions with her... now, it's more of a smile when topics about her crept up... i just wished she could have been there for my wedding... as much as i wished my grandpa from the other side of the family could have been there...

i would have done things differently... less modernized wedding, more traditional practices just for the olds... yeah, mom wished i'd done that... it's just not the same... mom wanted that cos she was worried about how others would think of her... i'd do it differently for the gramps cos i know it'd put a humongous smile in their face... and i also know, if they were still alive, they'd tell me to do it just the way i want it... and for that reason, i'd change the itinerary for them... enough said, they didnt stay long enough to toast for me...

my most memories was with grandma... grandpa left more than 15 years ago... grandma had 5 more years with me and a bit more... life rewinds to 2 weeks before her death, all the family members knew something wasnt right... her health deteriorated very fast in that couple of weeks... going in and out of consciousness... everyone came back to have their moments with her... family from australia flew back... those in kl took additional leave from work to visit...

i remembered being mad at the uncles... a week before she left, they had started talking about funeral preparations... she was still there hanging on, and they were talking about her passing in the same room... having grown up, i now think it wasnt a wrong choice... they knew it was time, and had accepted that fact then... it was just us, the kids who were in denial...

the day most of my family had to go back to their distance home, grandma changed their mind for them... she woke up for a final farewell... it was a school holiday, a week before my birthday then... also days before my spm trials started... i told myself to take the bus down to visit her on that morning... my regret was i didnt do that... i was at home, postponing my trip down... told myself i had to study, which i barely did... the time i decided to freshen up and get my butt down, my house phone rang with bad news... i lost my last opportunity to see her alive on that day... to hold her warm hands...

things didnt just ends there... we held a 3-day funeral for her... the last day of her funeral coincides with my trials... school refused to let me postpone my exams... knowing grandma, she would had been adamant for me to put my studies a priority... which i did... i sat for my papers that morning... fell asleep half way during the exams, out of exhaustion... cried my eyes out in the comfort of a former friend... and it still didnt take away the pain that i wasnt and couldnt be there for her... to send her off...

a week after the big blow, something short of a miracle happened... it was after school and i took the bus home... just as i was reaching my stop, i remembered an old lady boarded the bus and walked to where i was standing... i looked up at her face and doubled back, almost stumbled down... the old lady looked exactly like grandma, only healthier... initially, i thought i was hallucinating... or worst still saw something there wasnt supposed to be seen... looking at my cousin who was standing next to me on the same bus, i saw the surprised look in her face too...

it could be a coincidence, i dont know... but what are the odds of seeing someone who looked like your late grandma who passed on only a week earlier... it didnt take the pain away... but deep down, that day gave me some peace of mind...

we all love you!!!! and still do...